Sunday, May 13, 2007

Silly Me: Ignore this Post

Warning: Drunk Ramblings Ahead.

Supposedly, you’re not supposed to blog when you’ve had a night out. I kinda let my hair down, here on this blog. I haven’t come out with my real name, so I feel like I can be completely honest. Me, my real self, love me or hate me. I love people, and I love their quirks. So I probably borage (that’s not the right word) the world, with my quirks.

Anyway, I love my friends. I have the coolest friends, I can’t tell you.

I’m one of those girls, who when they have a drink, they love the whole damn world. Oh heck, you guys hear me talk every day. I pretty much love people every day.

And you know what, I’m sorry, but I have the coolest readers. I know it’s not "cool" to love one’s readers, and I know that I should act all professional and detached and stuff, but I have to tell you, I think my readers are the coolest people ever

Maybe ... two readers write me a week, maybe a month. I’m nothing, once in awhile, I’ll get maybe three readers in a week. But I’m just sayin’.

They’re just so darned nice. I suppose when I get my website up, I’m going to have to act like it’s run of the mill. I suppose I’m going to have to act like I’m too cool to get too enthused about my readers, but I have to say: they are my favorite people in the whole damn world.

Maybe other people feel differently. Maybe other people get so much reader mail, that maybe it’s annoying. But I don’t know what to say to my readers. I don’t connect my pseudonyms, but I can tell you, if I didn’t teach, and if I didn’t try to act all calm and collected?

My readers are the best damn people. I can’t believe how lucky I am. I have absolutely no idea why they write such nice things, maybe because I write in a niche, and there’s not that many authors, and I write so many words to pay the bills, but ... I can honestly say that I try, every damn day, to write better for them. I wish I could let my hair down and tell them that I may fail them, but I always keep them in mind when writing, and I always endeavor to live up to the things they hope for.

Whether or not I succeed, is another story. But I hope that something in my writing transmits how much I appreciate and respect them. They tell me such intimate, vulnerable things. Do you know how special a gift that is? And how inadequate I feel when I write back polite? With the right words? With the--*snort of disgust*--professional words?

The right words are always stupid and inadequate, you know? Maybe these are the ramblings of a girl who has forgotten how to go out and have a night on the town (too old!), but ... I wish I could transmit, how very grateful I am, and how very much I respect and take to heart what they say.

I truly write for them. Truly. Bank aside. Myself aside. At the end of the day, I write because ... I respect my readers. Whether they say this or that story was not my best, whether they say my ending sucked, whether or not they write the nice things ... I write for them.

I know the "cool" thing is to write for oneself. I know the "artistic" thing is to write for oneself. But goddamnit, I write every single word for the few who read me. I hope they know how the "professional" replies are ... so much less than I feel. How the "professional" replies are ... because I have no words. Because we all have life’s missions. And maybe I’m supposed to just affect the world in terms of little seconds, of little moments away from their real lives. Maybe I’m here to understand and respect that little vulnerable kernel that is in all of us.

God, I sound like an idiot. Nevermind. Rambling of a drunk girl who’s happy. Am I going to have to delete this when I launch my website in a few weeks, with my real name?

And here I am, rambling, when I have a blog under my pseudonym. Why am I rambling here, when I feel so grateful to those elsewhere? Why can’t I be "cool" and yet, express my gratitude? Why can’t I tell them, gawddarnit, but I just love that you write me?

It’s so uncool. And I can only write it here, because you guys don’t know me, don’t know my writing, and compared to all the NY Bestselling Authors out there, I’m Ms. No One.

Most of you who pop by, are writers. We’re words people. Doesn’t it drive you crazy when you feel so grateful and you’re at a loss for words? Words are our thing, our ammunition, our expression. What do we do when they fail us? When we just ramble on idiotically, and have no idea what to say?

Speaking of loving the whole world, I love how you guys give me something to think about when I have a thought that’s .. off. And I love how you make me think.

Oh gawd, I really am drunk. Well, if you only knew the two days I’ve had ...

Okay, really. Let your hair down. Tell it like it really is. Don’t be cool, be honest. Who do you write for?

12 bonus scribbles:

Bernita 5/13/2007 06:09:00 AM  

Books have given me so much.
So if I could just pass a little of that magic on...

Erik Ivan James 5/13/2007 10:07:00 AM  

~laughing~ Why is it that I don't believe you were drunk while writing this. It makes too much sense for you to have been drunk.

When I write something on my blog, it is written just for the few people who visit my blog. I write a few personal things---the Bug Tails, for example---or writing experiments that I want to try-out for reactions---some of the erotica, for example. Other times, I just write on my blog what I might be feeling, or in the mood of, at the time. My blog is just for me and the small group of people that continue to visit.

My writing that I hope to eventually publish, however, is being written for, like is yours, the eventual public of readers. For, without them, we have no book.

Kate S 5/13/2007 10:55:00 AM  

Aw, Spy, that's so sweet. :) Tell 'em - just tell 'em. I think that it would mean as much to your readers as it does to you.

And as for the "professional" letters - heck, when I go all fangirl and write to an author, I'm just so pleased when they reply, even if it is "professional."

Jeremy James 5/13/2007 01:38:00 PM  

Funny post. You were drunk, admit it.

I write to entertain or educate or provoke.

spyscribbler 5/13/2007 07:46:00 PM  

Bernita, you do. You pass that on every day. I just love your blog. And I hope to read your books!

You don't believe me, Erik? LOL. Man, some days I forget I'm not in my twenties, and I'm not conditioned to drink, LOL. Hangover city.

Blogs are great things, I agree. And you're so right about readers!

Kate, I will. I'm not as openly affectionate as I feel, often.

I was, totally, Jeremy. You have all good reasons to write!

Brett Battles 5/14/2007 12:06:00 PM  

...note to self...someday attempt drunk blogggin...

spyscribbler 5/14/2007 04:55:00 PM  

It's kinda fun, Brett. Especially when the dear spouse falls asleep, and you're in the mood to talk, LOL.

Rhian / Crowwoman 5/14/2007 06:32:00 PM  

LMAO!!!! - i definitely write especially for you from now on! Now pass the liquor!

Therese 5/14/2007 08:27:00 PM  

I write for YOU, of course.

avery 5/15/2007 09:30:00 AM  

Those who would say that it is uncool to adore their readers have their heads in totally the wrong place.

Art hangs on a wall where security systems go off if its approached too closely. Why would I want that? I write for those people out there that haven't yet read my work. I write so that maybe, if they're having a really shit day, they can pick up my book and just forget it all for a while.

avery 5/15/2007 09:32:00 AM  

Ack! I left off the apostrophe in it's. And I don't even have your drunk excuse, Spy.

spyscribbler 5/15/2007 01:53:00 PM  

Rhian and Therese, LOLOL ...

Avery, have you ever noticed that the more you write, the more silly mistakes one makes? Before I wrote seriously, I never would've written its and it's. After I started writing X number of words a day, I make little mistakes like that all the time!

So I say it looks like you're being productive!