Friday, June 20, 2008

Getting the Secret Garden to Grow

Do you ever over-analyze your feelings? Do you ever try to find reason for something that just ... is?

You know, I just don't have much to say. I keep writing blog posts and deleting them, mostly because I feel lonely for DH and it's seeping into my usual chipperness. (Are you laughing, yet? ;-)

Approximately 102 days until he gets back. Almost out of the triple digits!

I also keep writing comments and then just giving up. I'm sorry. I am actually reading everyone's blogs too much, even reading every comment and everything, LOL. I guess I'm trying to avoid missing DH, as if it's wrong to miss DH or something. But then I just can't come up with much to say on my own, LOL.

It's human nature to start trying to apply reason and order to our feelings. We want to find a cause, come up with a solution. Fix things.

But sometimes you just feel blue.

Trying to find a rational reason for emotion, something inherently irrational, is counter-productive. You try to find something to latch onto, something to fix, but since there's nothing you can fix, you start fixing what isn't broke.

And when you fix something that isn't broken, you usually end up breaking it.

Sometimes you feel blue for circumstances beyond your control. And sometimes it's as stupid as what you ate, what you didn't eat, or how balanced your hormones are.

Or, most likely, I'm just missing DH. I know it's not "cool" to be lonely, but I've never been about being cool, LOL.

It's okay to miss people we love when they're not with us. I don't know why society is so obsessed with this "being independent" idea. What kind of life is that? Who wants to be alone?

Or maybe I'm too focused on society.

I have to focus on a novella for pseudonym. I sorta resent that I feel, sometimes, like a little bit of failure for doing that, something I love. It's stupid, because it really comes down to me feeling like pursuing a New York idea is what I "should" be doing if I take myself seriously.

Again, it's focusing on what society things, not what I think.

But I love where I love.

If her stuff was New-Yorkable, I'd throw it there in a heartbeat, no question. It's not. My second love is spy thrillers. And thrillers are mostly what I read these days. So I'm game.

I'm just thinking too much.

My tiny garden is looking a little blue. It was 55 during the day over the weekend.  I don't know how cold it got at night.  My tomato plants did not like that. They're not looking happy, either.

So how are you feeling? Do you ever over-analyze? Do you ever focus too much on what people think?

And if you have a garden, how is your garden doing?

Just to cheer us up, this is a compilation from the musical based on The Secret Garden, one of my favorites. Have you seen it? One of my favorite books, too!

19 bonus scribbles:

Melanie Avila 6/20/2008 12:51:00 PM  

Spy, I know exactly how you feel. I have my DH here, but no one else. I chose to join him in Mexico because I couldn't bear to be apart from him (I really don't know how you do it) but that meant I left everyone else behind.

I have as many blue days as good days, but lately that balance has been slipping. And I know what you mean about struggling to write something interesting on your blog when all you want to do is whine. I try very hard to keep my blog positive, but when you're sad for a week it gets tricky.

Now you know why I sometimes blog about puppies. Much easier than trying to pull a rational thought from my head. :)

Mark Terry 6/20/2008 01:30:00 PM  

Do you ever over-analyze your feelings?

How long have you been reading my blog???

And when you fix something that isn't broken, you usually end up breaking it.

Damn, that's been on my mind a lot lately.

Aimless Writer 6/20/2008 02:58:00 PM  

Hang in there spy!
I work with exchange students so I know how hard homesickness (or missing someone) can be on a person. I deal with it X's 300 hormone ridden teenagers every year. The best advice for them and you is to keep busy. The more you get out (call a friend, join a club or volunteer) and get involved the faster the time will pass.
And know time moves quickly when you are having fun ...so go find some fun!

Zoe Winters 6/20/2008 03:01:00 PM  

We have food in our garden and just had some fried green tomatoes and squash from it a couple of nights ago. It was yummy.

spyscribbler 6/20/2008 04:33:00 PM  

Melanie, I hear you. I need to try to contain the whining, LOL. And you know what I just read? Today is mathematically the happiest day in the year.

Yikes. I'm in trouble!

spyscribbler 6/20/2008 04:34:00 PM  

ROFLMAO, Mark. I'm in that place, too. *sigh* I wish things came with a big sign in front. "Broken" and "Not Broken." Then it would all be clear.

spyscribbler 6/20/2008 04:35:00 PM  

So true, Aimless! Although I need to get writing done. And that makes me too introspective, you know? Too much time in my mind.

I need more movies. :-)

spyscribbler 6/20/2008 04:36:00 PM  

Zoe, squash already? Really? Wow! Where do you live again? That's way cool!

Melanie Avila 6/20/2008 05:31:00 PM  

The happiest day?

I don't know about that...

Travis Erwin 6/20/2008 07:35:00 PM  

We never got around to planting a garden this year. And I think most of us writers over analyze. That's how we create characters.

Edie 6/21/2008 12:07:00 AM  

Spy, I wake up sometimes happy for no reason and other times sad for no reason. I don't know if it's hormones or weather or what. At least you have a reason for being sad.

If you love writing as pseudonym so much and you're selling it, that's fabulous! Your work doesn't have to be New Yorkable. It's being read, you get paid for it, and you love doing it. It's all good.

Our garden is coming in slow. It's not been hot and humid enough for the tomatoes to grow, my husband says. They'll probably come up in early August. We have a ton of green onions!

Bernita 6/21/2008 07:22:00 AM  

Girl, it would be totally UNNATURAL for you not to be blue and missing him. It's an amputation. What's wrong with honest love, ferchrissake!

My garden doth flourish and my roses are extravagant.

Robin 6/21/2008 11:02:00 AM  

Spy: I'm sorry you're feeling blue! I'm sorrier that you have to feel guilty about feeling blue because it's "not cool". What a dumb world we live in. I agree with Bernita!
Have some birthday cake. In my humble opinion, birthday cake solves all woes. Or, at least it makes them taste better.

spyscribbler 6/21/2008 02:56:00 PM  

Travis, too true. Sometimes, I feel like writing makes me crazy, LOL!

spyscribbler 6/21/2008 02:57:00 PM  

Thanks for that, Edie.

And I just realized! I forgot to plant green onions! And I really wanted green onions this year. I'll have to check and see if I'm too late. :-)

spyscribbler 6/21/2008 02:58:00 PM  

Bernita, you're so right! What am I thinking? I would love to see your roses. I hope you'll post a picture sometime this summer!

spyscribbler 6/21/2008 02:59:00 PM  

Robin, birthday cake rules. You don't have to be related to Stephanie Plum, do you? She solves her blues well with birthday cake! ;-)

That's cool, Zoe! I keep staring at my garden, as if looking at it will make it grow faster.