Monday, January 12, 2009

Tick-Tock: Uterine Conversations

Ya' know, I've felt the little tick-tock of the biological clock over the years, but no one warned me that at thirty-five, the alarm going off is a bit like being whacked on the head with a side iron and run over with a semi.

image I'm of the kitchen sink religion, but mostly it's a conglomerate of Wiccan, pagan, and Catholic spirituality, with whatever else inspires me thrown in. When I was sick, I needed something a little more proactive than the beatitudes to get me through. Spells do the trick for me.

So every night, I slather special cream on. When I'm done, I crawl under the covers, lay my hands on my lower belly, and my uterus and I have a conversation.

Sort of a prayer, I guess.

I tell it we're preparing the way for something very special. I tell it that we need to get ready and healthy, because we're going to make babies, and that this will be the most beautiful and amazing thing we've ever done. I tell it that in April, when Glenn is home, we are going to get pregnant, and that it needs to be sensitive and accommodating to him, and release the egg at just the right time, because he's gone for most of the year and this is the best time.

My uterus and I then engage in, I confess, a little mental conversation with the, er, penis that is thousands of miles away. I will spare you. Don't tell hubby; it would freak him out. :-)

image We discuss twins. I know they're not passed through the father's side, but I figure: he had twins (they died in a car crash years and years ago), and his father had multiple sets of twins and triplets. So maybe they have really strong, ambitious fishies?  I want three, at least. Given the lifestyle we're planning on leading, I want them to have each other.

Then we talk about the home I'm going to give the babies, the hopes I have for our family, the equinox celebrations we'll have together, and the Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners.

I promise my uterus to give them a loving and safe environment, and to show them the world. I promise to teach them everything I know, and to find them a way to learn everything they want to know. I promise to let them be who they are, and I promise to see who they are and not who I want them to be.

I tell it I already love them with my whole heart, mind, body, and soul.image And then I tell it all the things I'm doing this year to save up for them, financially. I tell it of my goals, and how I'm eating right and doing yoga. I tell it I will treat my body like a temple.

Usually I start crying, even during the "calm" times of the month. I don't care. I just hope it works. My heart is riding on April. I'd like to be cool and say I'm not getting my hopes up, etc., but we are so far beyond that it's not even funny.

So... is this normal? What were you like when you were trying to get pregnant? What were you like when your biological clock started screaming? Or does it scream less when you already have kids?

And if you have kids, do you remember the promises you made before, during, and after the conception, the pregnancy, and the childbirth? The hopes you had? The dreams you had?

50 bonus scribbles:

Karen Olson 1/12/2009 06:21:00 PM  

Six months after my husband and I got married, we found out that it was now or never. My body just wasn't behaving like it should at 35. So we tried. And tried. And tried.

And today we have a beautiful, talented, smart daughter who's almost 12. We adopted her in China when I was 38. I've had people insensitively ask if I'm sorry I don't have a biological child. But they have no idea that Julia IS my child, and if we were able to get pregnant we never would have met her. And that would have been awful. Things work out the way they're meant to.

McKoala 1/12/2009 06:23:00 PM  

That's very beautiful. Sad, but beautiful.

35 is fine for children these days. Panic at around 45. Ten years away!

We had problems falling pregnant at first. Then I had a miscarriage. That was probably the most devastating time. I thought it would never happen. Although, I had always found it hard to imagine myself with children, part of me was just saying 'you were right - no kids for you'. So I tried not to get my hopes up too high. Now I have two children and most of the time I am nice to them!

I want the best for them. This isn't always as straightforward as you might think. For example, sometimes I see or understand things that they can't or don't. This means that sometimes they may think I'm being mean, because I want them to have the best lives - this means I may ask them to do things against their will because I know they will enjoy it in the end or it will be of huge benefit.

Faced with reality, sometimes hopes and dreams have to change!

Jill Wheeler 1/12/2009 06:29:00 PM  

My uterus is mad at me right now, cuz we're taking a break on trying (after a mc in October).

Hang in there. You will have a beautiful baby. As will I. Sometime soon.

Melanie Avila 1/12/2009 07:20:00 PM  

Spy, that's so sad he lost his children.

I wish you the best of luck in April. :) I'm glad you're doing what you can now to get healthy - that's important. Don't forget to look at any medications - even non-prescription - that you take and have a chat with your doctor.

I never heard of using creams, but I'll have to keep that in mind. And the penis pep-talks. :P

LaDonna 1/12/2009 07:53:00 PM  

Spy, beautiful post! Beyond beautiful actually. The baby hears you.

And it took me several months to get pregnant with my first daughter, and the second was quicker. The dreams I had for my daughters then, they've exceeded by being the amazing women they are today. I'm hoping with all I have that your dreams come true. A desire for children is the purest wish imo. I love everthing about your baby chats, and dream weaving.

lainey bancroft 1/12/2009 08:13:00 PM  

Spy! My good typing hand is on my belly, thinking of you and shooting positive vibes! (if that doesn't sound too weird?)

Never really had the tick-tock. I was a child-bride. =) Married december '89, baby #1 January '91'OMG, already?!? Duh, can't conceive while breastfeeding? Baby #2 May '92!

We were young, dumb, broke. And yes, I engaged in all the "I will do everything in my power..." Ultimately, I had very little power and I am beyond lucky...BLESSED...with the 2 most awesome kids (and yeah, some of that is 'I'm the mama' and some of it is just...how the feck did an idiot like me deserve these amazing little people to so-called guide? They are both kinder and smarter than me in many ways and...not really sure what my point is anymore, except that someone who has planned for it/thought about it/and prayed for it...in whatever form, should have it! In triplicate (although, much as I've sometimes wanted a later-life babe, when I would (supposedly) have more skill/experience/maturity, I've never wished for it in triplicate!

But if you want a multiple-birth, you have all my hopes and wishes directed there!

Edie 1/12/2009 08:33:00 PM  

Spy, I'm sending fertile fairy dust your way.

I was barely 20 when I had my son. And it wasn't planned. I have to say the same thing as Lainey. He turned out better than me and my husband. Whatever we did, even the mistakes, must have worked.

I love it that you talk to your uterus. I have a feeling that your uterus is listening.

Janna Qualman 1/12/2009 10:12:00 PM  

I wish this for you, spy, I really do. Keep us posted with as much as you feeling comfortable sharing.

mom2brie,  1/12/2009 11:15:00 PM  

My dream for Brie is simply that she grows up healthy and contributes positively to the world in some small way. I do think the clock is much quieter after you have a child. I wish for one more, but I'm happy and content with what I have, it is enough. I think that is one of the basic tricks of life - being satisfied with what you have.

You want a child for all the right reasons, you will be an amazing Mom. I'm sooo hoping/praying that it will happen soon - but I do know if it doesn't happen biologically, you WILL be a Mom and have your family. It will happen.

I've made many promises to Brie - but they all basically boil down to the fact that I will always support her and her decisions, and I will always be there for her - helping when I'm needed, and cheering her on when I'm not.

Being a Mom has made me happier than I've ever been - it makes me feel content and complete. I know that you will experience that too. Hang in there!!

rjkeller 1/13/2009 12:01:00 AM  

Spy, what a beautiful post! You made me weep, but in the good way.

Please know that my 'kitchen sink' prayers and good cosmic wishes are with you and your hubby. You have the soul of a mother.

Ello 1/13/2009 09:35:00 AM  

Don't panic now. You'll be fine. But remember the more you stress the harder it is so do try not to worry about it so much. I wish you the best.

conley730 1/13/2009 10:08:00 AM  

Wow. I think this is one of the most heartfelt, soul baring posts I've ever read. I often spoke with my uterus too while trying to get pregnant. When I did finally get pregnant I read "Oh, Baby, the places you'll go" every night to the babies inside said uterus. The night they were born I read it to them in the NICU and as soon as they heard my voice both of their heart rates increased. That made me cry with joy. They KNEW me! I want so much for my boys. Most of all I want them to know that I love them no matter what, and I will love them forever.
It sounds like you're nesting already. I hope that by May or June you're posting that you're pregnant!

LurkerMonkey 1/13/2009 10:22:00 AM  

Thanks for this beautiful post. We have kids already, and sometimes in the crush of making lunches, keeping the little monkeys in line, and rushing from place to place, it's easy to forget there was a time, late at night, when I used to think about my yet-to-be-born children and think about the world I would show them... What a nice reminder.

Good, er, luck in April!

Melissa Marsh 1/13/2009 10:55:00 AM  

Shortly after we got married, I got pregnant. We weren't trying and weren't expecting it - complete and total surprise. I consider myself very blessed that I had my daughter then as opposed to now - my body is so screwed up from botched birth control and lots of other stuff that I highly doubt I could get pregnant now.

I wish you the best of luck on starting a family!

Sarah Laurenson 1/13/2009 11:48:00 AM  

Clock kicked my butt - hard - about 11 years ago. But I was not in a position where having a child was a good idea. The relationship was far too volatile and I would not bring a child into that. So I waited. And now, at 47, I'm done waiting. I know I will not have a biological child and I'm ok with that. I think more about adopting an older foster child to help them get a good start on their adult life. I think about doing that multiple times. My wife and I are talking about practicing with an exchange student. Sort of a trial run to see if we are suited for it.

When my niece was born, I thought a lot about keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings and showing it to her when she was older. I never kept the journal and she was killed when she was 17. My advice - Don't waste the good ideas.

One thing about waiting until you're older to have babies is that the ovaries tend to spit out more eggs. Multiple births are on the rise; lots of fraternal twins out there. My fear was that I would have fraternal identical twins and wind up with a litter. My grandfather was a twin. I wasn't ready for 4 kids at once.

Charles Gramlich 1/13/2009 12:01:00 PM  

Probably the single most frequent thought I had about becoming a parent and being a parent was "please don't let me mess this up."

Bill Henderson 1/13/2009 03:12:00 PM  

Only a lovely spirit could have written this, Natasha.

colbymarshall 1/13/2009 08:44:00 PM  

Spy, I think this is a lovely post. I don't want kids right now, and I sometimes wonder if I'M normal, because I don't seem to have that inherent maternal instinct other women seem to have. But, in the end, I believe if God wants me to be a mother, I will develop it.

For you, it's very clear that you do have it, and I wish you the best. I think the pep talk idea is awesome!

Robin 1/13/2009 10:06:00 PM  

Spy, you are so lovely. You will make such a wonderful mom. I will pray and pray (and I'm not really the praying type).

I'm so sorry for DH's kids. That's just so tragic.

I know I told you we used fertility drugs to get pregnant. It was really romantic. When I ovulated, you could see it on ultrasound. That night you had to have sex. If Adam and I had an argument that night or something, it was pretty awkward. Somehow, Adam didn't think it was a turn on when I yelled, "Come on! Just do it, you big Baby!" Go figure.

Caryn Caldwell 1/13/2009 11:04:00 PM  

You know, this really speaks to me since I recently had a miscarriage and am looking at March or April to begin again. I'm wishing you the very best -- seriously. It sounds like you would be a wonderful, wonderful mother. As for twins, the likelihood goes up around age 35, so you never know. And I don't think there's a genetic connection for identical twins, so it could happen to anyone, even if twins don't run in your side of the family.

Have you been taking B6? I hear that helps. I've also heard that a lack of iodine can lead to miscarriages, so no uniodized sea salt. Oh, and check out babyfit.com. So helpful! They've got a preconception section and message boards, but they're even more helpful when you're pregnant.

Here's hoping you're a mommy next winter.

Kath Calarco 1/14/2009 09:37:00 AM  

My pregnancy was unplanned, and thereafter, I ignored the biological clock. (One child was plenty for a single mom living on secretarial pay.)

If it's meant to be, it will be. Keep practicing the positive vibe; you'll need it once the child arrives.

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:23:00 AM  

Karen, I love that story! I hope they don't ask that within her hearing. What a terrible question! You're so right: things work out the way they're meant to. (And on my list of things to save for, adopting a child/ren from another country is definitely on there, if I can't get pregnant. Or maybe even if I get pregnant.)

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:30:00 AM  

McKoala, that's nice to know. 10 years feels a lot better than the 3 or so I was giving myself!

Your two children are lucky to have you! I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, but I'm so glad you got two beautiful children!

I still get happy chills, thinking of it!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:31:00 AM  

I am sorry, Jill! Listen: Edie has some AMAZING magic fertility dust (she only has to look at hubby and she gets pregnant) and I'm sending some your way, too!

Big hugs to you, Jill!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:33:00 AM  

Melanie, yeah. I'm going to go the first week of February.

The creams are just lotion... just a spiritual self-care ritual, to make sure my uterus is in a good mood to listen, LOL! ;-)

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:40:00 AM  

LaDonna, that's wonderful! You are so lucky. Two daughters would be wonderful. So would sons! I'm not picky, LOL. :-)

Thank you so much.

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:42:00 AM  

Not weird, Lainey! I can use all the mojo possible! :-) I definitely hope my kids are kinder and smarter than me. Better than me! I hope they feel more loved and more secure than I did. I hope so many things! :-)

And I'm sure you had something to do with them being such kind and smart children!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:43:00 AM  

Edie, I hope you're right about my uterus! And I know your fertile fairy dust packs some serious power. :-)

I tried so hard, when I was that age, not to get pregnant. Now I wish I hadn't, you know?

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:44:00 AM  

Thank you, Janna! You're so sweet. :-)

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:46:00 AM  

Mom2Brie, I love you. I hope so! Brie is already an amazing little person. She's a miracle! She is the coolest little person I've ever met. :-)

I hope, hope, hope and pray it will happen. I want it with everything I am!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:47:00 AM  

Thank you, RJ! I can use all the kitchen sink prayers possible! :-) You homeschool your kids, right? I hope to be talking to you in a few years! We're hoping to "roadschool" ours.

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:47:00 AM  

Ello, I'm not in panic mode, yet. I just feel so confident it will happen... maybe that's self-duping, but it just feels so right.

But I'm praying every day, just to be sure!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:52:00 AM  

Erin, that is just wonderful! It gives me chills, what you said about them recognizing your voice. I am going to buy that book, definitely. Edie posted about it not too long ago, and I've been wanting to!

I love that you talked to your uterus, too!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:53:00 AM  

Jon, I can use your luck in April! I bet there will be many times I forget how much I want them. I should keep a journal. It's like I already love them, even though they don't exist. It's a little embarrassing!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:54:00 AM  

Oh, Melissa, I'm sorry! It sounds like the universe knew what it was doing. I'm so glad the timing worked out so well!

*Big hugs!*

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:56:00 AM  

LOL, Sarah. Four kids at once would be overwhelming!

I am so sorry about your niece. That's a kick in the butt for me. When I first met her, I wrote her a letter, meaning to write one to her after every visit, and then give them to her at some point.

I am definitely going to take that up again. Ohmigosh, she is ALREADY two! It happened so fast!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:56:00 AM  

Charles, oh, gosh, I sure can relate to that. Everything I do is suddenly attached to the thought: is this worthy of my baby? Is this setting a good example? And he/she's not even here yet!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:57:00 AM  

Bill,
...or a desperate, hormonal one, LOL! :-)

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 10:58:00 AM  

Heather, I hope so! :-) I have my everything crossed for your family, too.

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 11:00:00 AM  

Colby, it hit me late. I was sick, and then I was afraid of childbirth and just not ready, life-wise.

But whichever way you end up, is good! You already give so much to the world, with the pups you train for their very special tasks!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 11:07:00 AM  

Thank you, Robin! That's hilarious. I think I'm most worried about that part; he's not too keen on the whole on-demand sex bit, I think. :-)

Thank you for your prayers! I need them!

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 11:14:00 AM  

Caryn, I haven't started with vitamins yet, because I want to talk to my doctor first, but I know that's one I need to take! Iodine has been something I've struggled with, so I'm definitely upping my iodized salt intake.

I just found the babyfit.com Preconception board. VERY helpful! Thank you!

Here's hoping we're both mommies next winter! Big hugs, Caryn. :-)

spyscribbler 1/14/2009 11:16:00 AM  

LOL, Kath! I am nervous about it, financially, but I am working hard and saving hard. I pray I can keep the positive vibe, too!

conley730 1/14/2009 01:36:00 PM  

Make sure you get the Oh, BABY, the places you'll go book. It's a book based on Dr. Seuss's writings that is meant to be read to your child(ren) while in utero. When I heard about it I had to have it. Of course I bawled like crazy the first time I read it. I would read it to the boys every night before bed while I was pregnant.

kathulhu 1/14/2009 07:31:00 PM  

I think my husband and I are uber fertile together. We were pregnant within 3 months of meeting. Then, 4 months after our first was born, we were pregnant again with our second - even though I was using an IUD!!! Freaking nuts!

I had my tubes tied after our second because I was afraid of getting pregnant again too soon. I can't use birth control and obviously our other options (aside from abstinance) had failed. Now I wish I hadn't because I really want at least 2 more children.

spyscribbler 1/16/2009 01:10:00 AM  

OOh, Erin, I didn't realize that! I will, definitely!

They should write a pre-conception book to read to our uteruses. (I'm actually serious. Which might be a little scary.)

spyscribbler 1/16/2009 01:11:00 AM  

Wow, Kath! From my perspective, I'm totally thinking, You Lucky Duck, you! :-)

I don't know much about it, but I thought they could, er, untie them?

Realmcovet 1/16/2009 06:23:00 PM  

Beautifully written Natasha. :)

I agree with your "Bill Henderson" friend"

"Only a lovely spirit could have written this".

Barbara Martin 1/19/2009 03:39:00 PM  

35 is a doable age. Take Vitamin E, lose some weight and then be on a weight gain while trying. And ask the cosmos.