Sunday, March 01, 2009

Growing Up; Growing Down

imageI swear I wrote this post before I bawled over Brothers & Sisters for two hours. :-)

So I constantly check my ovulation chart. Five times a day, even though it doesn’t change, even though the budget is not planning on getting pregnant until Fall.

My heart keeps staring at my charts going, “You’ve got at least two chances this Spring before he goes back to Alaska.”

I say Fall, and my heart and womb don’t even blink. They’re ready. They’re focused. They have a plan.

And I’m praying he gets home just a little bit early, like the first weekend in April. Or I pray I have one of my 5 week cycles.

I think this is a case where my mind has made a decision and my heart just doesn’t pay any mind. I would just be so grateful no matter when it happens. We’ll make it work.

imageAnd I’ve been reading up on adoption. I thought you had to be rich. You can be married, single, and just “normal,” financially. I’m astounded by the beautiful children up for adoption. Heartbroken, actually.

Glenn had mentioned adopting, and now that I’ve done some research and thinking, it’s definitely something I’d love to do. I think I’ll have babies first, given that I have a narrow window of opportunity, but… it sure would be nice. We’d have to be foster parents first. Glenn already did that once, a long time ago.

Writing is a means to an end, for me. I know people want to get published by NY, but it’s not my main goal. I’d be thrilled, it’s true, but I eye NY and wonder if they can give me what I need, not vice versa. I’m just being practical, not confident. The world is changing at lightning speed and they are just so darn slow. In the end, whatever is most profitable for me. That’s the bottom line.

image Gosh. Remember when I used to write about writing and stuff? I used to have interesting posts, a couple years back. Now I just hang on to my obsessions while I wait for Glenn to come home all the time. I sorta miss that person. I miss doing Tae Kwon Do every day. It’s funny how just that one little injury has changed my life and my mental and emotional state so much. I sorta worry she was a much more pleasant and fun person for others to be around.

I have the Achille’s foot. :-)

I don’t know. Do you ever look back and wonder or worry if you’ve grown or… un-grown? Do you ever wonder if you should go back and recapture the person you were? Is that even possible?

22 bonus scribbles:

Edie 3/02/2009 01:59:00 PM  

Do you ever wonder if you should go back and recapture the person you were?

I thought that just this morning! I want to be the person who met every goal she set. Which means I have to go downstairs and finish my taxes right now! That's my goal for the day.

Robin 3/02/2009 05:26:00 PM  

I love your posts, be they about writing or about the dentist. I really want your baby dreams to come true. You'd make such a wonderful mom.

This sounds ridiculously narcisistic, but I never wish to be the person I was. Every year seems to make me more "formed". When I was in my twenties, I was positively mushy. The forties have been my favorite. The thirties were so busy with boys that I don't remember the "me" then very much. I think "me" merged with "them".

In my forties I did any weird thing I thought would be fun, and instead of people saying, "That's f'ed up!", they supported me.

I really like the you that is now.

Heather Harper 3/02/2009 06:31:00 PM  

"I eye NY and wonder if they can give me what I need, not vice versa."

AMEN! I am so with you on that one. Well said, Spy. :-)

Ello 3/02/2009 09:11:00 PM  

WEll it definitely looks like you know exactly what you want and what you need. And all I can say is that I pray that it all works out for you!

Eric Mayer,  3/03/2009 12:08:00 AM  

I would certainly like to recapture being young -- provided I could miss out the being stupid part.

Bevie 3/03/2009 07:27:00 AM  

"Do you ever look back and wonder"

All the time. I expect it's why I've failed to move forward. Who and what I was in the past seems so much better than who and what I am now.

I don't think it's possible to go back, though. I keep trying.

And failing.

If it's any consolation, having only recently come here, I don't know the earlier posts. So I think these last are just fine. They bring me back anyway.

Charles Gramlich 3/03/2009 10:02:00 AM  

Although I don't like myself that much, I like myself better now than at most other times in my past.

Melanie Avila 3/03/2009 01:25:00 PM  

Do you ever wonder if you should go back and recapture the person you were?

There are parts of me that I feel Mexico has changed that were better before (like my confidence) but for the most part, I think I'm a better person now. I've learned a lot of lessons here that I know I'll take with me wherever I go, and I wouldn't change that for anything.

spyscribbler 3/03/2009 03:28:00 PM  

Edie, I've been thinking a lot about motivation a lot. Well, it's pretty much all I do, given my teaching.

But I forget to do it with myself!

spyscribbler 3/03/2009 03:29:00 PM  

You rock, Robin! :-) LOL, I love the "mushy" bit. I lost myself teaching a bit, but now I'm trying to pay attention to me more.

I feel mushier when Glenn is gone, though. I want to say I can't wait to be forty, but I'll hold off until I have a couple kids. :-)

spyscribbler 3/03/2009 03:33:00 PM  

Heather, they're certainly not selling themselves well, lately. :-)

spyscribbler 3/03/2009 03:33:00 PM  

LOL, Ello, thank you! I feel like I'm just daring God to laugh. :-)

spyscribbler 3/03/2009 03:34:00 PM  

Amen to that, Eric! I would like to live my twenties, instead of being stuck in bed.

Avery DeBow 3/03/2009 04:23:00 PM  

I think I'm going to have to leave my comment as an echo of Charles'. He summed up my feelings exactly.

spyscribbler 3/03/2009 05:06:00 PM  

Thanks, Bevie! Maybe the grass is always greener, I'm not sure. I remember being so much more confident, energetic, and focused when I was younger.

Maybe we should stop looking back. :-)

spyscribbler 3/03/2009 05:07:00 PM  

LOL, Charles. That's... good! :-) I relate to the feeling, though.

lainey bancroft 3/03/2009 05:50:00 PM  

@Charles and Avery, if you say that now, just think how much you'll like you a year--2--5 from now!

Spy...where to begin? No, I don't wish to go back. Although, I have had episodes in my life where I felt like a much more 'together, focused' being and things were just generally going better (because honestly, they stink right now) if I went back to being that person I'd miss out on whatever THIS person is supposed to be learning right now.

You are the 'you' you're meant to be right now. And we still love ya! Maybe all this introspection is training for motherhood. Hmmm....

spyscribbler 3/03/2009 06:31:00 PM  

Melanie, aww. I really hope you guys get home soon. That's so true, though. If we rewrite our experience, we lose our lessons and a part of who we are.

spyscribbler 3/03/2009 06:32:00 PM  

Avery, I sorta feel the same way, except I like who I was, better, LOL!

spyscribbler 3/03/2009 06:34:00 PM  

Lainey, I really like what you said best! You are so right, about all of it.

Ya' know, though? Sometimes learning just stinks. :-)

Avery DeBow 3/04/2009 12:04:00 PM  

Lainey -- I look forward to it. ; )

Angie 3/10/2009 05:01:00 AM  

I'm still waiting to feel like a grown-up. [wry smile] It's like, when you were a kid, did you ever sit there on your birthday trying to figure out whether you felt a year older, or different in any way. I never did, and always thought there was something wrong, becaus you should, right? [laugh/flail]

Angie